The House That Zelmo Built

"Yes, it's the NHL arbitration season opens story, and if you thought hockey didn't already have enough to apologize for this offseason, well, wrong-o, Chops.


As we know from our reading, arbitration is the system of settling contract disputes the owners of a sport devise when sawing off your leg isn't an option. The owners learn to hate arbitration because it doesn't do what they want it to do -- namely, persuade the players to work for tips.


This case, though, is special because the NHL is trying to hone its self-destructive skills by blowing up the game to prove the point that it can't hose the players without a codified system, otherwise known as a salary cap.


To that end, these arbitration cases are scheduled to settle contracts for players who won't be playing this season because there won't be a season." ~ Making cents of the nonsense - ESPN article


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From the ESPNhockey.net forums as posted by "LITTLE BONES":

Since September 11, 2001, Americans and Canadians have come together as
never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome
tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil,
wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment,
stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and
a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now,
we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Professional Hockey players in our very own nation are going
to be locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level.
And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving
pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout
situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost
of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain
economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no
means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but
it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey
player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in
Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is
nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, or a month of
medical insurance, but to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace
his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that
home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new
Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player
you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real
estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon
signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the
player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean
(for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo
on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants
to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he
will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in
case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check
below):

[ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team (Please call
our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute) [ ]
Jaromir Jagr (Higher cost: $32,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the duration
of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored,
along with an Jaromir Jagr 2001 Income Statement and my very own Bob Goodenow
(Executive Director of the NHLPA player's Union) pin to wear proudly on
my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number: _______________________

Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________


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I stole this from InTheCrease.com's message board.


The above sentence would make a perfect coffee mug message.