Tuesday, March 16, 2004
The French Betrayal Of America...or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Thought Of Bombing France
""I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids." ~ General Jack D. Ripper - Dr. Strangelove
"Can we trust France? Apparently not. After more than 200 years of shared history and interests, the U.S.-France marriage looks as if it's ending in an acrimonious divorce. Here is the shocking insider account."
The French Betrayal of America
Okay, so the French aren't Communists, at least not all of them are. I just thought that line from Dr. Strangelove up above was just a tad fitting for this topic. Just substitute the word "Communist" with "Socialist" or "French", or "Frog", or "cowardly caviar-and-cheese-and-wine-slurping faggot fucks"...and you'll come up with an equally accurate description of our friendly, gay, stinky, and hairy neighbors from across the Atlantic.
I'd say that I was posting this blog to share information regarding this new book that's hitting the bookstores soon if not already, but I'd be lying. My posting of this blog serves a twofold purpose. One, to give myself a permanent reminder to get this book as soon as I can, since without a reminder I would undoubtedly forget to do it (I'm dumb that way. Hey, I'm sure that Einstein would have used Post-Its, too, had they been invented back in his time); and two, to slam the French.
Now, rather than waste my time with some long-assed diatribe about why we should despise the despicable French, mostly because I'm too lazy to type up some long-assed diatribe and because I'm about to play me some Soldier Of Fortune 2 and pretend that I'm slaughtering a shitload of cowardly French bastards (with God Mode turned on to simulate the fact that Frenchmen can't shoot straight, even if they had the balls to pull the trigger in the first place), I'm going to instead post some French jokes that I stole from off of other Internet websites to get a cheap laugh and pretend that I'm clever and funny, instead of using my superior intellect to come up with my own French jokes instead. (Zelmo's Note: Yeah, I used the word "instead" twice in the same sentence. So what?! Redundancy kicks ass!)
Like I said, I'm lazy right now. So what? Truly brilliant minds should be smart enough to know when to take a break. Fuck originality.
So here we go, fuckers........
Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A. So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: How many people does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried.
Q: why are the French afraid of soap?
A1: because if they drop it the Germans will fuck them again
A2: they have never seen it before
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The Army.
Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!
Q. Why are the French so afraid of war?
A. You would be too if you never won one in your history.
A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The barman says "That's an real ugly bird you've there. Where did u get it?"
The parrot says "I got it in France ... There's millions of 'em there"
An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after each receiving just 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Englishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Engishman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix deux pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your people are the kindest and most generous in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back."
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller
Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say you must be French."
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
An American man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when a Frenchman sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. "You American folk eat the whole bread?" asks the Frenchman with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth.
"Of course!"
The Frenchman blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croutons, and sell them to the United States."
The Frenchman has a smirk on is face. All the while, the American listens in silence.
"Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the Frenchman.
"Of course!"
The Frenchman cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In France, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast and put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to the U.S."
"And, what do you Frenchmen do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the American.
"We throw them away, of course," replies the Frenchman, with a dumbfounded look.
The American explains, "WE don't. In the U.S., we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France.
(Zelmo's Note: That was a pretty good one!)
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
Q: How long does it take a french woman to dump a shit?
A: 9 months
Q: Why don't Visa and MasterCard work well in France?
A: They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
(Zelmo's Note: Okay, that one sucked camel balls.)
And last, but certainly not least....
Q: How many jokes are there about the French?
A: One, the rest are true.
That about wraps it up, kids! Time to go and simulate myself a slaughterin' of French cocksuckers!
Good night!
Champagne is for pussies.
We should have let the Nazis keep France.
Do you want some Freedom Fries with that?
....or....
....shouldn't we be calling it Freedom's Mustard now?
(0) comments
"Can we trust France? Apparently not. After more than 200 years of shared history and interests, the U.S.-France marriage looks as if it's ending in an acrimonious divorce. Here is the shocking insider account."
The French Betrayal of America
Okay, so the French aren't Communists, at least not all of them are. I just thought that line from Dr. Strangelove up above was just a tad fitting for this topic. Just substitute the word "Communist" with "Socialist" or "French", or "Frog", or "cowardly caviar-and-cheese-and-wine-slurping faggot fucks"...and you'll come up with an equally accurate description of our friendly, gay, stinky, and hairy neighbors from across the Atlantic.
I'd say that I was posting this blog to share information regarding this new book that's hitting the bookstores soon if not already, but I'd be lying. My posting of this blog serves a twofold purpose. One, to give myself a permanent reminder to get this book as soon as I can, since without a reminder I would undoubtedly forget to do it (I'm dumb that way. Hey, I'm sure that Einstein would have used Post-Its, too, had they been invented back in his time); and two, to slam the French.
Now, rather than waste my time with some long-assed diatribe about why we should despise the despicable French, mostly because I'm too lazy to type up some long-assed diatribe and because I'm about to play me some Soldier Of Fortune 2 and pretend that I'm slaughtering a shitload of cowardly French bastards (with God Mode turned on to simulate the fact that Frenchmen can't shoot straight, even if they had the balls to pull the trigger in the first place), I'm going to instead post some French jokes that I stole from off of other Internet websites to get a cheap laugh and pretend that I'm clever and funny, instead of using my superior intellect to come up with my own French jokes instead. (Zelmo's Note: Yeah, I used the word "instead" twice in the same sentence. So what?! Redundancy kicks ass!)
Like I said, I'm lazy right now. So what? Truly brilliant minds should be smart enough to know when to take a break. Fuck originality.
So here we go, fuckers........
Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A. So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: How many people does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried.
Q: why are the French afraid of soap?
A1: because if they drop it the Germans will fuck them again
A2: they have never seen it before
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The Army.
Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!
Q. Why are the French so afraid of war?
A. You would be too if you never won one in your history.
A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The barman says "That's an real ugly bird you've there. Where did u get it?"
The parrot says "I got it in France ... There's millions of 'em there"
An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after each receiving just 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Englishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Engishman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix deux pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your people are the kindest and most generous in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie the Frenchman to my back."
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller
Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say you must be French."
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
An American man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when a Frenchman sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. "You American folk eat the whole bread?" asks the Frenchman with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth.
"Of course!"
The Frenchman blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croutons, and sell them to the United States."
The Frenchman has a smirk on is face. All the while, the American listens in silence.
"Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the Frenchman.
"Of course!"
The Frenchman cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In France, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast and put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to the U.S."
"And, what do you Frenchmen do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the American.
"We throw them away, of course," replies the Frenchman, with a dumbfounded look.
The American explains, "WE don't. In the U.S., we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France.
(Zelmo's Note: That was a pretty good one!)
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
Q: How long does it take a french woman to dump a shit?
A: 9 months
Q: Why don't Visa and MasterCard work well in France?
A: They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
(Zelmo's Note: Okay, that one sucked camel balls.)
And last, but certainly not least....
Q: How many jokes are there about the French?
A: One, the rest are true.
That about wraps it up, kids! Time to go and simulate myself a slaughterin' of French cocksuckers!
Good night!
Champagne is for pussies.
We should have let the Nazis keep France.
Do you want some Freedom Fries with that?
....or....
....shouldn't we be calling it Freedom's Mustard now?
(0) comments
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